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I will be…

…stronger…

strong DGC

Today, I don’t feel very strong. My CDF’s (Core Desired Feelings) that I just figured out, only a few days ago, seem to be difficult for me to achieve today.

Well, ONE, for sure. I don’t feel strong.

My back is giving me so much pain. Yet, I can’t even allow myself that pain. I feel guilty because so many others are going through worse pain. I feel annoyed because it’s getting in my way of doing what I want to do…

Perhaps that’s the lesson here:

  • I am strong enough to bare the guilt of feeling less than ready for the day.
  • I am strong enough to feel weakness.
  • I am strong enough to allow healing without judgement on the dis-ease.
  • I am strong enough to BE; whatever that may look like. Even if it’s not 100% on.

I will be. I can be…I am.

~this is a post prompted by my Desire Map Journal. Truth & Freedom. Find yours here: 

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Gather with other Goddesses. Be supported, be loved, be YOU

www.DivineGoddessCircle.com

A community for working women who are seeking support and actions to become the Goddess they are!

Our Deepest Fear

“It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us…”

I know sometimes I’m too much. I try too hard. I talk too much and too loud. I’m tired of shrinking. I’m tired of making myself small so that I don’t stand out. I’m tired of keeping quiet.

There once was a girl who stood up for what she believed in. To the point where some people didn’t like her. This girl believed she could do whatever she wanted. That nothing could stand in her way. But then, she made a mistake and she got afraid. Afraid to try. Afraid to start again. She felt like she needed to fit in; just do what she was supposed to. It was safe. It was easier than fighting the current. She was afraid that no one would accept who she really was. And so she hid. She pushed all of her art, all of herself down, DOWN…deep within her so that it wouldn’t scare anyone off. She desperately tried to please everyone until the girl inside had shrunk so small it was hard to see her.

The light dimmed.

I’ve been afraid to let my light shine. Afraid that it will dim the lights of others. It is so much easier just to keep the light hidden. To be less of who I am so that no one will be uncomfortable around me. I won’t “chase” anyone off if I’m just like everyone else. No one likes to be left out. So I chose to just fit in.

And the light dimmed.

There have been times where that little girl stood up. Where I let my light shine. It did make people uncomfortable. It got me in trouble. It made me stand out and not everyone liked me. It hurt. It hurt that I was misunderstood. I told myself – not again – I’m not doing this again – I’m not shining anymore, I’ll just keep it cool and everyone will be happy with me. Everyone will like me. And so I smile and nod.

And the light dimmed.

Well, you know what? I’m not getting any younger. Some shit has happened to me and I’ve made a lot of mistakes. And still some people don’t get me. I’m starting to realize that’s OK. I see my children being who they are. Unafraid. Not content with blending in. In them, I see that little girl I used to be. I don’t want my children to become who I became. I want to see their light shoot across the Universe, never fading.

They are so special. It’s about time I realized how special I am too. I’m not perfect. My light is sometimes some crazy colors and even a little shaky; even a little dim some days. I will be loud. I will be too much because that’s who I am. I’m shining my light the way I need to shine.

I’m going to help thousands of women stand up and be heard. I’m going to help them find their light and shine for all of us to see. Women will change corporations & companies. Women will create businesses around connection & love. Women will change communities & countries. Women will change the world with their big hearts, big dreams and big souls. I know this to be true. I see it in every woman I know. I see it in the stranger as she approaches me on the street. It’s there in her eyes. I’m going to help her see it too.

And the light will NOT be dimmed. Not anymore.

Join the Divine Goddess Circle and be inspired, nurtured & supported. You are not alone. You ARE a GODDESS www.divinegoddesscircle.com

Our Deepest Fear – Marianne Williamson.

The Magazine Game

Picture yourself on the cover of a magazine. Dream big!

Here’s a great idea from Tonya Leigh (http://tonyaleigh.com/you-on-the-cover-of-vogue/) I just had to give it a whirl, because, yep, it’s all about the dream. You gotta start somewhere…

It’s Tuesday, February 17, 2015 and I’m out and about celebrating my 45 birthday! I notice the magazines at Chapters as I pass through. Oh! I forgot that my article comes out today to celebrate my big day! ;P

I pretend that I forgot, even though I’ve been anticipating it’s release since last month when I did the interview for “O” Magazine. I pick up a copy… “Simple Gal Creates Big Change in Complex World” – I smile as I read the headline; remembering all those bumps along the road and how much I’ve longed to create massive change. I’m excited about how many people I’ve been able to help take baby steps and how that’s snowballed into something really big and really fun!

I laugh when I remember Oprah’s people trying to do my makeup. I wasn’t very cooperative – I would only wear the most basic, simple colors. I insisted on still being me on the cover of the magazine. They’d tried to get me to wear a dress! LOL! Too funny! Nope, there I was in my most comfy jeans and a pretty purple top, curled up on the couch. I loved it! Not glamorous, just me.

Turning the pages to the article, I read about how the interviewer saw me that day:

“Shawna is most at home with her laptop, a latte and comfy clothes. She has spent the time to get herself in pretty good shape, enjoying her varied workout routines and loving her mostly vegetarian meals. She says, ‘I still like the occasional homemade hamburger my hubby makes, but most of the time, I love the simple raw foods I get to eat every day’. You can’t tell that she turns 45 – she looks a lot younger. She moves with the grace of an athlete. A fact she attributes to her yoga practice. ‘I used to be sore all the time until I changed what I was eating and got my body moving – that is one of the things I encourage others to do in the Divine Goddess Circle: Just get your body moving in whatever way makes you feel good!’”

I flip through and see the pictures they’d taken of my house:

“The Cevraini’s don’t have a lot of ‘stuff’ in their house. Nothing fancy – just simple, comforting furnishings. It’s apparent that they are movie lovers when you see the rows of DVD’s arranged by genre and alphabetically! Shawna laughs when she relays how she sometimes forgets which movies she already has and gets duplicates. She always donates those to the local library for their collection. A stack of books are next to everyone’s bedside – an indication of how avidly the family reads. It’s a home set up to welcome anyone who comes by. We felt like we were going to our friend’s house the moment we stepped in. Warm blankets and colors met us with open arms. You could smell the fresh flowers there on the coffee table, newly clipped from Shawna’s own garden.”

“Bruce is Shawna’s husband and “My Rock”, she tells us. They’ve been through some hard times, but they’ve only grown closer in their marriage. She blushes when we ask if being able to work from home has changed their relationship; ‘Yeah, we spend a lot of coffee breaks in our bedroom…’ She giggles. Shawna’s kids love that their mom is usually home for them at the end of the day. They take regular family vacations; their favorite location: Florida! There are office hours posted on her home office door – this was an important tool for everyone, including herself, to keep work & family time separate. ‘It really helps me let go of helping the world, and focus on my family. It all begins at home, doesn’t it?’ “

“Shawna loves hanging out with her best friends. She tells us of her regular lunch dates with them. They even go on picnics in the park or country drives to favorite spots nearby. As part of her “Goddess” lifestyle she teaches in the Divine Goddess Circle, Shawna hosts monthly creative days with her friends where everyone comes over, has a glass of their favorite beverage, laughs, talks and creates! It’s become a ‘must-do’ on everyone’s to-do list. ‘It’s so important for women to come together as a group. Our ancestors gathered around tanning hides and quilt frames and church lunches. It’s about time modern women realized how important real connection with other women is.’”

I get a little teary as I read the next paragraph. That part of the conversation brought up a lot of emotions for me:

“We noticed how Shawna’s confidence fills the room. Her smile shines so brightly, you can’t help but smile too! We asked her if she’d always been this way. She pauses for a moment. ‘No, no I certainly have not always been happy and excited for the future. There were some very dark days, where I’d even considered letting it all just disappear. I truly felt that I was worthless, a terrible mother and wife. I hated myself, my job and felt so alone. I lived in my husband’s sweat pants and shirt on weekends and secretly cried all the time. I was always yelling at my kids and having to escape before I did them (or myself) serious harm. My relationship was a complete mess. I was a mess.’

‘The turning point for me was that I just couldn’t keep going like that. It was either End This Now or Get Up and Start Again. I couldn’t take my own life or even run away. I just couldn’t do it. So…I had to choose the second option. I started with looking after me. I learned that if I couldn’t love myself, I’d never be able to truly love anyone else. Including my kids! I used my birthday money and paid for 10 personal training sessions. It was the best thing I did. I learned to have fun with my workouts. To try new things. To fuel my body properly. I signed up for events that raised money for causes that meant something to me. It got me outside and spending time with friends. There was no turning back after that.’

‘Being able to learn to love myself was my proudest achievement. Sure, there are still days where I beat myself up, but they are much fewer than they used to be. I’ve become a crusader for helping other women do the same. Women can be so hurtful to themselves. Comparing ourselves to another woman’s highlight reel is the worst thing we could do, yet we do it every day. It’s time we stopped the madness! It’s time we supported each other in meaningful ways. We need to set the tone for our children to believe in themselves and follow their hearts. The only way we can do that is by loving the woman we see in the mirror every day. When we love her, we can’t help but love the others we see each day. And it just grows from there! The love of a woman is truly a powerful thing, don’t you think?’

There is a tear in her eye as she says this. ‘I can see the world changing, becoming more loving all the time. Stories have become less about climbing the ladder and the next best thing and more about getting back to nature and dreams. That is what I wish for; and I think it’s happening! I will teach this until my dying breath. I will teach it not just by talking about it, but by living it myself. The only way to make a change in the world is to start with me. And that’s what I do, each and every day. Who’s with me?’ She gives us all a huge grin and you just can’t help but feel this infectious love from this open, passionate woman. You know in your heart that she’s right, times are changing…and for the better. “

I close the magazine as another tear runs down my cheek. It’s so amazing to be here, right now. This is where I want to be. This moment. Filled with love for the people closest to me, including the strangers nearby. This is what life really is about. I am so blessed to be able to be a part of this Earth. I bow my head in thanks for a minute and continue on with my day. It’s my birthday after all! Time to celebrate!

How about you? What is your “Magazine Story”. Check out Tonya’s article and  write your own story. Now, what are you doing to create that dream?

I’ve started creating my dream that I talk about in this article: The Divine Goddess Circle – a community for working women who are seeking support and ACTIONS to become the Goddess they truly are. Sign up and start living your Goddess Life!

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April 23, 2012…My transformation arrow has taken me two weeks to face! I can blame it on the snow – sure – I can’t find a stick in the snow. I can blame it on being busy – sure – there’s always something else to do.

Really? Really?

My visions of Kali at first freed me – I felt courageous and ready…but then the doubt and resentment and fear and unworthiness set in.

Who am I trying to kid?

  • a goddess?
  • an artist?
  • a writer?
  • a creative soul?

NEVER!

There would always be an excuse, a road block that can never be moved…

…Friday night, I left the house. Full of disappointment, resentment, anger…and after such a crappy attitude week. Every day, I intended to be better. Every day, the disappointment set in…

There were so many sticks thrust in my path that night. I couldn’t believe how many. There in the middle of sidewalks, along the sides of the road, in the grass. All beckoning, all ignored as I fumed forward and the temperature in the air and in my heart dropped.

Suddenly, there it was, a spindly spruce branch. Naked of needles, far from the tree. My favorite tree-type; the scent always reminding me of happy childhood days around a campfire.

I walked with it swinging in my hand. My anger turned to regret and sadness. My heart just felt sick and alone; empty as the barren stick in my hand. I set it on my front step; not feeling ready just yet. There, it waited while I spent the weekend soul-searching and reconnecting.

When I went to find the stick, it was gone. It called to me from the garbage bin where he’d thrown it. The bin had just been collected, so there it lay alone at the bottom. It seemed to say, “Ready?”…and so it began…

Transformation Arrow

Strips of paper from a sheet where I’d written words as they flowed in different colored pens. I thought of all the times I worry that my story is not good enough to be told. I wrapped the words around the stick. The colors of them releasing my fears of sharing them with the world. Fabric strips of autumn colors; a season I love and hate at the same time. A season reminding me of my own confusing ups and downs. At one time beauty and warmth, and all at once cold, dead and the end. Fabric strips of precision and accuracy so unattainable in real life…

Purple and blue antique threads. Memories of the past, and the mistakes I’ve made. My past is not who I am, but it made me what I am today. A single safety pin: letting go of so-called security because there is no such thing…not if you really want to bleed and feel and love and live…

And now, as I watch, it burns….releasing all of this. The fears, the anxieties, the unworthiness. Letting it go…It is none of my business. I am not meant to know the destination. I am only meant to learn and love the journey…

Transformation

Meeting Kali

Visions of their criticizing faces flew around her. The wind whipped their words in a frenzy, echoing through her mind. “Empty” “Lost” “Hypocrite” “Failure” “Not Enough” Around and around they swirled.

Her heart pounded. She could feel the goose bumps all over her skin. The wind was deafening. She feared it would push her off that precarious ledge where she stood. Lightning flashed — oh! — so close. She felt its fire touch her cold skin.

A vision of a small girl appeared beside her. Lost and alone “Ignored” “Afraid” “simple” “Plain” were the words that came to her now. The little girl did not smile. Her face was solemn and smudged. She looked abandoned and unloved. She did not cry, just stared straight ahead – watching someone or something off in the distance. She realized the girl was wearing a dirty dress and her hair was a mess. And she didn’t seem to be afraid of the flashing lightning or the wind pulling at her, threatening to let her fall from the cliff.

The Goddess stood, half smiling beside them. Her many hands seeming to caress the silvery clouds. Was the lightning coming from her hands? “What do you want from this?” her eyes seemed to say. “None of this is stronger than I. I am you. I can take all of this away. Look deep into those words. Into those faces”

She found herself peering closer, forgetting the precipice there at her feet. The words seemed to shimmer. More lightning flashed. The wind roared louder and louder. Stones fell…down…down…into the valley below as her feet pushed closer to the edge. She peered. Her breathing came quicker, deeper into her belly…She leaned…further…further.

“I am here. You will not fall.” The Goddess’ strength surrounded her, wrapping her in her arms, yet not touching her. And the girl. Where had she gone? She looked back at the words. They were now translucent. She could see far beyond them. They swirled, but slower now.

She noticed that the lightning still flashed, but now she saw its beauty. She felt music in her heart, playing to the distant beat of the thunder. Or was that her heart’s pounding? The faces faded until all she could see was the fading colors in them as the wind turned them into whispers of clouds.

The hands of the Goddess guided the wind in slow, undulating waves. Drawing the beauty of the silver clouds all around them. She realized the girl stood beside her again. Her face was upturned and smiling. In her hand was a piece of paper. In the other, a pencil. She looked up, and, smiling once more, wandered off. Meandering and noticing the path down the mountain. Sometimes she’d stop and bend to look at something. Sometimes picking something up and turning it this way and that.

She watched the girl for a few minutes. As her attention came back to the Goddess beside her – she found that the storm in front of her was filled with shimmering lights and flashes of color. A chorus of beauty and power. She stretched out her arms and realized that so much of the light was coming from her pounding chest. And still the Goddess stood beside her – the knowing smile on her lips.

Gone were the chills down her spine. She turned her face up and felt the fire of the lightning warm her skin. She breathed so deeply and realized the wind was a part of her breath. The deeper she breathed, the more it moved.

She listened to the Goddess’ unspoken words once more. “Return to this place when you have need of it. I am here. I am you. I am strength and power. Return to me and fear no more”

Her eyes closed and she was gone. The storm was gone. The mountain was gone. The girl was gone. All that remained was a smooth pebble. There, warm in her hand. Black it seemed until she looked closer and saw her own rainbow reflection.

Bran Flour Pancakes

I made these for the kids again this morning (their cousins are over). It’s really easy. It’s my adaption that is refined sugar free and uses bran flour instead of “enriched white flour” (we try to avoid white flour now as well).

Ingredients:

  • 1 1/3 c. bran flour
  • 2 tbsp agave syrup
  • 1 tbsp baking powder
  • 1/2 tsp salt
  • 1 egg, beaten
  • 1 1/4 c. milk
  • 2 tbsp melted butter
  • splash vanilla
  1. Combine bran flour, baking powder salt in a bowl – make a well in the center
  2. In a second bowl, combine beaten egg, milk, melted butter, vanilla and agave – pour into well
  3. Mix until smooth
  4. Make your pancakes! :)
These are really yummy and very filling. My kids have regular syrup on them, I eat them plain. Using real maple syrup is a better alternative if your family likes it. (I do, but the kids don’t. Weird, I know ;) )

My First Painting

I have joined Goddess Leonie’s Goddess Circle. It has been calling to me for months and then April 1 was the start of the Creative Goddess e-course. I could not resist. Creativity has been calling me for quite a while now. I want to explore what embracing it will do…and so it begins…

Tonight, my daughter and I painted. I have not painted since…like…forever. We made a mess, we listened to our hearts and we just did it. She moved on to other things after she was done, but my heart still had something to say…

And so I wrote words as they came to my head. I drew wavy lines that at first had no meaning until I began to see. I then picked up my pen and created a story that curiously matched the picture. Where did that come from? I don’t care, it just feels good to create!

My artwork:

My daughter’s artwork:

My drawing:

My story:

A light rain drizzled over her head. It dripped down the side of her face and off her nose. She could feel the wetness building at the nape of her neck. Her shoulders hunched as she tried to pull the jacket closer around her neck. She knew the tears would come soon. At this point, who cared? Alone in the dark…again. She felt the cold seep into her bones. The rain came harder and her soul grew heavier. The voices teased her over and over. Her own words, spewing hatred to the face in the mirror. His words of rejection and ridicule. Their laughter behind her back.

“Ridiculous”

“Silly”

“Stupid”

“Weird”

“Unworthy”

Each word pushing the knife deeper into her heart.

The rain ran in rivers down her neck. She’d given up on holding the collar tight to her throat. There was no point waiting here any longer. It was evident that he wasn’t coming.

Somehow, her feet moved. Her mind had nothing to do with it. It didn’t care if she stood there and dissolved into the nothingness she felt. But somehow…her feet carried her.

Her hands were numb as she lifted her sleeve to check the time. She had to look again when the only thing that registered when she looked was the fact that he hadn’t called. No one had. No one was looking for her or wondering if she was OK.

The rain poured harder. Thunder began to rumble in the distance. Her feet still carried her forward. Relentless. Pushing on. Splashing through puddles. Forward. She did not think about where they were taking her. All she could hear was those terrible words.

Somewhere, she heard a bird singing. She noticed the water running down her face was just from her hair. The rain had lifted. Still her feet carried her…closer and closer to the quiet. She heard the dripping leaves litter the forest floor with moisture. More birds chimed in and rustled above her.

She noticed she was on a different path this time. This one was quiet. Flickering sunlight peaked at her from through the glistening leaves.

Her icy hands pushed her hair slick back on her head. It felt good to get the dripping off of her face. Her temperature slowly climbed as her feet carried her along the path that gently rose up toward the sky. She could feel her heart in her chest, pushing blood to her cold fingers. The sun was stronger now. She could feel the steam starting to rise from her soaked clothing. The birds were louder; louder than the words.

As her hear pounded, her mind began to settle. The screaming faded to a mutter that she had trouble hearing. She began to forget those angry faces and noticed the clouds as the sun pushed through them.

She remembered a poem that she had written so many years ago. At another time and place when the ideas flowed from her heart like the rain that she’d just been through:

The waves that once were raging with fury

now lap softly at the deserted beach.

The green, murky waters wash the traces

of the storm away to hide in its depths.

Never to be see by the fretful world

in all its grimness and all its pain.

The Lord has commanded the waves to show us

that there is peace, along with the storms.

And the parting black clouds in our hearts

must give way to the shining Son — always.

Why had those words come to her after all these years? Why now? And how did she remember every word she’d written? Suddenly, she realized her feet had stopped moving. The path was gone. She lifted her head…

She felt it more than saw it. The grace. The beauty. Tears blurred her vision. She could see so far around her from this spot. So beautiful, so peaceful, so small. How did everything get so small? She felt so big. Higher than that dark world below. She realized she’d stretched her arms out and had lifted her face to the sun. She felt its warmth deep in her soul. Warm tears squeezed from beneath her eyelids. They ran down her face until she felt them on her lips. She tasted the salt and felt her own smile.

She turned and looked back towards the path…only to find that it was not there. Dense foliage blocked her way. The birds soared about her calling her name. She was sure she’d heard her name? Was she mistaken? Where did the path go? She was sure she’d come from that direction. The only way she could see was a rocky path along a ledge in front of her. She knew she did not come up that way.

Her clothes were starting to dry. The voices and the faces had disappeared entirely. Gone with the strange path that her feet had followed to this place. The words of the poem repeated and ran together in her mind.

The rocky path ahead was narrow. She felt her heart quicken and her face flush:

“What if it wasn’t the right way?”

“Maybe she should force her way back through the dense foliage?”

“Stay with the way she thought she knew?”

“What if she went ahead and the rocky path got steeper?”

“What if it became two paths?”

“Which way would she go?”

She could just sit here and enjoy the view, couldn’t she? Surely someone would come? But who? Who was she waiting for?

The birds continued their glorious celebration all around her.

She took one last look at where she thought she’d been. She breathed in the beauty all around her once more. Her body filled with the sights and smells and sounds of this glorious place. It filled up her courage and her heart. Her mind stopped asking the question as her soul took over:

“What a grand adventure may lie ahead?”

“I wonder what I’ll see?”

“How many other paths are there?”

“How many will I get a chance to follow?”

“Will the birds follow me?”

“What am I waiting for?”

And her feet carried her forward once again. And the sun shone. And the birds sang. And she heard these words:

“Strength”

“Love”

“Healing”

“Faith”

“JOY”

…and she smiled.

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