This week marks my oldest turning 19! With his permission, I decided to share with you some excerpts from my journal when I was just a little older than he is now and expecting his arrival. Bear with me! I went on and on back then too! 😉
I was a university student who suddenly found herself becoming a mom – something I vowed I would never do! I had broken up with my boyfriend (my first true love, so I thought, and the father) before I realized that I was pregnant.
I was scared and (I thought) alone. I remember praying and praying that I wasn’t pregnant, denying it each and every day. Then I stopped hiding, and with my parents help, and the help of this new life inside me, started down the road of growing up.
This was the first entry in my journal that I wrote to my baby:
August 17, 1990
[referring to May 1990]…”I still did not think that I was pregnant. I couldn’t be. On June 1, a doctor told me that I was pregnant. I guess I sorta knew by now but I was denying it. I didn’t want it to be true.
For a month and 1/2, I told no one. I wanted to think things through for myself. I was very upset and stressed. My family noticed my tension and my friends thought that I had dropped off the face of the earth! In July, the rest of my family went on vacation, and I began the process of telling people about you. The only people I told were two of my friends and [the father].
His reaction was shock and he was very upset. We were already broken up, but we still kept in touch. He said he’d be there for me if I needed anything – in other words, he was staying out of it. I didn’t want anything from him anyway. It just doesn’t work that way.
By the time my parents got home, I had gained a little weight. But I didn’t think it was noticeable. But moms and dad know you too well and it was before I could tell them that my dad asked me if I was pregnant.
They were upset – not angry – upset that I hadn’t told them sooner and upset that I’d made my life so complicated. But they were behind me 100%. I’ve never loved my parents more than I do now. It made me realize just how lucky I am. I felt a tremendous weight lifted off my shoulders. My mom and I went to the doctor in town together. I thought that I was 4 months, but the doctor said I might be five by the size of you. Mom and I heard your tiny little heart beat. I could deny it no longer – you were a part of me. Those little butterflies I’d been feeling in my stomach wasn’t because of stress, it was you doing laps!
We went to get an ultrasound done to be sure of how old you were. I could see you moving around while the technician took your measurements. I was quite excited. The next day (July 25) the doctor told me that I was 24 weeks (or rather, you were). I was 6 months pregnant! A far cry from 4 months!
Since that day, I’ve been much happier and I came closer to you and I knew that my decision would be to keep you. I could never give up my own flesh and blood. I went to a [counselor] to be sure I knew both sides before I made my final decision.
By today, I talk to you as you move around. Everyone knows about you now – and everyone is extremely excited! No one more than me! I’ve been thinking about what we’re going to do – how we’re going to get by. It helps to know that so many people are behind us and that everyone loves us! …”
As you can see, my prayers had gone unanswered – I could not run away from that reality. I had a lot of help and support. Help and support that I was too afraid to ask for. I took a big chance not telling my family and letting them help me. I know now that I should not have let my fears get in the way. My family is there for me no matter what.