Unanswered Prayers – Part Two

August 26, 1990:

“…You seem to be getting bigger every day. Yesterday, we were eating lunch and you kicked me a good one in the ribs. It took me by surprise and it also hurt so I sorta jumped and everyone thought I was nuts!

You move around more during the day . It’s probably because you’re running out of room and you’re always trying to get comfortable! You seem to like it right under my ribs on my right side. Not really comfortable for me at times!…

…I’m a single mother because of my actions, you had nothing to do with it. I’m going to do my best to be a good mother for you; I will provide for you and love you no matter what. You are my little baby and I’ll never let you down…It’s so amazing to feel you growing inside me; responding to my voice and my touch sometimes. I can’t wait to see what you look like, what you act like. I hope you’re as smart as me! HA! HA! No matter what, you’ll be the cutest baby ever. As long as you don’t look like me anyway!…Well, we gotta go to work in the morning, so I’d better get to sleep!”

September 6, 1990 – after spending a day helping my brother settle in at the university:

“…While at rez and the university on Tuesday, I ran into a lot of people that I knew. The ones that didn’t know that I was having a baby stared and talked to me as if it wasn’t there, then I heard whispers as I walked away. Especially some of [his] buddies. I could just imagine what they were saying. They’ll probably flip even more once the rumor circulates throughout residence that I’m keeping the baby and [he] has had nothing to do with it. I’m sure that I was a major topic of conversation at the rez party that night!

Being around everybody again made me wish I was going back to school with them, but it became clear that I don’t belong there anymore. They talked about parties, skiing, sleeping in etc. and all I could think of was ‘don’t you have something constructive to do with your time?’ I can’t imagine that I used to be that way too! I mean, all I can think about is things to be done before the baby comes, where I’m gonna get the money, how much this and that costs, my career and things like that. I’m too tired after 9 to want to do anything else!

It was very hard, especially with [his] friends, to look them in the eye and keep smiling and being cheerful. But I did it. Why should I have gotten depressed – they felt sorry for me and I don’t want their sympathy. There was only one of the girls I ran into that had the guts to ask me when I was due.

The ones who knew before avoided the subject and the other ones glanced at my bulging stomach and made quick excuses about needing to get going. Oh well, it really made me realize that the people I considered friends, aren’t that good of friends.

…when the girls [my sisters] went back to school, the rumors were ahead of them. Mom had people bugging her too. It’s funny how news travels. Most of the people saying things hardly know me or don’t even like me…I wish that people didn’t have to get my sisters and mom involved. They had nothing to do with it. Especially the cruel things people say and ask. It always comes back around to the innocent people. I can take what they want to dish out – I should have to, it’s one of the consequences I have been expecting – but I don’t think that they should take it out on my family…I’m still having a baby and I don’t care what people have to say about it!

It’s a good thing that my mother is so realistic because she told me, herself and my sisters to expect people to be saying lots of things. We’re prepared for it, but that doesn’t make it any easier…They can say what they want, we’re going to make it and prove they’re all wrong!

…Mom’s starting knitting a sweater and hat – mint green. She’s convinced that this one is a boy…There’s so much stuff to get and time is moving quickly. I have another checkup tomorrow so we’ll see how things are going!”

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