This weekend was our first big event, a concession at a baseball tournament – a last minute one that I had high hopes for. We rushed around getting things ready – we only had 4 days to “get ‘er done”.
Saturday came and the wind blew and the ball players drank; but, they didn’t eat like I’d hoped. They didn’t bring their kids who would bug them for money for the concession. They barely even stopped by. I stood there trying to smile in the cold, trying to believe that I’d done the right thing. Trying not to worry about the money we’d invested in putting this together. Trying not to worry about letting my best friend down.
I am normally so courageous and upbeat about this new business adventure that I’m on with my best friend. This weekend, it was hard.
Saturday night, I was tired. My husband and I were alone, no kids. Yet, I didn’t have the strength to enjoy just being with him.
It was more than the tiredness from being on my feet all day or from being so fricking freezing! It was more than that.
I’d lost my courage. I lay there in my husbands arms, sobbing. Worried. Disappointed. Wasted. I had no courage at all. I cried and lamented that it wasn’t going Perfectly.
He held me and wiped my tears, over and over with gentle kisses. He spoke tenderly and encouraged me and listened and listened. I begged his forgiveness for trying this and he scolded and told me that it wasn’t wrong to follow my heart and do what I love.
He told me over and over that I didn’t have to worry. He told me he admired my courage – that courage that I felt I’d lost. He admired that I was taking the chance. That I’d ignored the nay-sayers. That I’d worked so hard. He admired the courage that kept me going to work everyday, even when I’d rather be somewhere else. The courage that makes me the great mom that I am.
I felt so less than all of those things that he admires about me. I was the opposite of courageous. All I could see was what I’m not. And man, I did not like that person at all. I thought I was past all of that.
Yet, there he was, still there, still encouraging, still admiring. He’s seen me in those darkest hours, he’s seen the opposite of Courage as the tears fall.
Yet, even with all that right in front of him, he does not see it. He sees only the woman that I want to be. The courageous, strong, beautiful woman. He sees her, even when I cannot.
And that, gives me courage again.