Yeah, surprise, surprise, I’m talking about love today 🙂 Like I do most days? Nope, this is a little different. I’m talking about THAT kind of love. I’ve never really talked about IT before because, well, my mom, sisters, aunties, and even my Gramma read this blog! So…you are warned…
I’m not going into any details here, I just want to point out some things that I have learned (and STILL learning). IT has been on my mind more than usual this week because:
- It’s a conversation that always comes up when a bunch of girls get together
- It’s my anniversary this weekend
- I’m on holidays this week, my hubby works part-time and the kids are at school… 😉
- I’ve been doing a program called “Fit Marriage” with my husband that has “sparked” a lot of things between us
So…here goes…it’s not that bad, I promise.
The Fit Marriage program is about several things: working out together and supporting each other in a journey towards better health. Sounds simple enough. Well, the point I want to make is that it ISN”T that simple. It is so much more than that. Let me explain.
How many of you each “do your own thing” in your marriage? Or, worse, don’t do anything at all? Your lives revolve around the kids and work and the house and that’s about it. YOU are not a priority and frankly, neither is your marriage. I know this. Been there. Still there sometimes. I’ve heard (and SAID) all the excuses why this happens: “The kids are so much work, I’m too tired at the end of the day”, “I just want to veg and watch tv”, “I don’t feel like it”, “I am not sexy enough” or “good enough”. But…friends…they are EXCUSES. I just couldn’t take it anymore – it has caused US and ME nothing but heart-ache. Yes, it still happens sometimes, but not as often because I really did not want to wake up and say, “Who the heck am I? Who is this person in my bed? (If he’s still IN the bed!)”
So, we started talking. Yes, talking. Actual quality time talking about what we dream about, what we need, what we love, what we don’t love. Not about kids and bills and work and CRAP! About US! About ME! About HIM! We spent REAL time together with the 7 Days of Sex Challenge that was more than the sex. It was about real intimacy. It was a challenge to spend focused, open time together! This challenge opened the doors to our beginning to understand what WE are as a couple.
Then Fit Marriage has taken us a little further – both of us had been doing our own thing as far as fitness goes. This gave us another opportunity to spend time together. It’s only 1/2 hour, 3 times a week that we don’t always make, but we try to. It’s more than exercising together. It is the fun we have – giggling at each other as we try to do yoga or a particularly difficult core move! It has started us talking about what we enjoy about getting in shape: the energy, the self-confidence, the feeling stronger and healthier. Feeling better about yourself makes you carry yourself differently – you become more attractive to the opposite sex not because of how you actually look, but how you project energy and vigor. It’s true! I know it now!
It is about supporting your spouse in being healthier – you are doing something as a TEAM! I can’t explain enough how much that means by itself. Part of being more intimate and actually WANTING to be together is being united! I am amazed at how we’ve been in the past and other couples I’ve seen that just don’t even seem like they are EVER on the same page! How can you be intimately connected with a person if you aren’t REALLY “Together”? It’s impossible! If you go one way and he goes the other, you will NOT meet in the middle, so how can you expect to meet in the bed? This is the biggest thing we’ve gotten from the Fit Marriage program. Being TOGETHER.
Oh yes, and here are the excuses again: “We don’t have time!” “The kids are always around” “He doesn’t understand me” “I’m exhausted”. Yeah, well, keep making excuses and you’ll wake up one day when the kids don’t need you anymore and you’ll wonder what the heck happened….
STOP IT! Please! Stop RIGHT now! Make IT a priority! IT is more than sex. IT is:
- Kissing him passionately in the hallway while the kids are watching TV and continuing on to the laundry – that’s going to make him think!
- Talking about your dreams and listening to his while you’re driving and the kids are plugged into their DS games
- Sneaking up behind him and throwing your arms around him while he’s making coffee
- Sending him a sexy text message in the middle of the day (or email or even a note in his lunch or in the truck)
- NOT doing HOUSEWORK when the kids are away at sleepovers! What are you thinking!!?? This confuses me when you post that on FB?? Get off FB and away from the vacuum and get BUSY!! Take every opportunity that comes your way. You don’t know when it will come around again! Walk out to the garage in nothing but a housecoat – you’ll get his attention!
- Taking a holiday day or sick day and STAY in BED with each other! You are allowed you know!
- Snuggling up on the couch and watching TV if you must – rub or scratch his back while he sits beside you
- Exercise together and play footsies while you’re supposed to be trying to do sit-ups! LOL!
- Make it a priority to have a conversation for even just 15 minutes every day. You can find 15 minutes. Even if it has to be on the phone. And it can’t be about the kids, bills or the van broke down or anything like that. REAL conversation
- Find a way to have a date night – even if it’s just a candlelight dinner in the kitchen after the kids are in bed. Try something!
- Do SOMETHING together. Anything. Even just once a week or even once a month. Be a TEAM
- Lock the door and be very quiet if you have to! 😉 5 minutes if you have to!
And the other thing – YOU have to start. Don’t wait for him. Take the lead. Tell him what you want. Tell him what you need. Don’t whine about it, just have a conversation. If he doesn’t hear you the first time, try again. Try something other than talking if that’s not working. Surprise him! Start something, even if it’s just a back rub on the couch. Pay attention to him. Pretty soon, he’ll pay attention to you too.
We’re still learning. It is not easy and it does require work. And yes, you will have bad times and heartaches – you are both human beings and nothing is ever perfect.
Most of all, it requires you making the “us” THE priority; over the kids and over work and over everything else. The US is that important. If IT meant enough for you to say I DO, then it means enough to work at IT.