The Whole Thing

It felt so GREAT walking to work today – not too cold, but crisp enough to make me feel alive! This song from Carolyn Dawn Johnson came on – The Whole Thing. The video is about a woman wanting a real relationship from her guy instead of basically a booty call.

I listened to this song and thought about a different kind of conversation I had with my oldest last night. I thought about how he is struggling to figure out what he wants from life. I thought about how I have struggled with the same thing. It is difficult to tell him to figure it out when I know how hard it is to do just that.

What I have come to realize with all this struggle is what the song says to me: I want the Whole Thing from LIFE.

It took me until I was 40 years old to figure that out. I don’t want my son to take that long! That’s what I was trying to tell him – grab onto life! Whatever that holds for you, I support you 100%, but don’t just let life pass you by! Before you know it, you’ll be 20 years older and still asking those questions. Like me. I want better for him.

“I don’t want just a corner. I don’t want just a piece…Half way or half up is just not good enough for me – I want the whole thing”…“1 more crumb; that won’t fill me up. 1 more sip; that won’t fill my cup”

So many times we just “dabble” in life. We just “dip one foot in” rather than really jumping in. We aren’t brave enough to lay it on the line. Fear makes us hesitate. Makes us tentative. Whether it’s in love or life, we won’t get 100% out of it if we don’t put 100% in. It’s simple math!

But…it is so scary to take a chance…I know this…I’ve been there. I STILL get scared. Petrified, actually, even to point of not being able to even move. It’s physically knocked me back and crippled me. There’s always been someone in my corner to pick me up again; but not necessarily to make me move forward. For that, I’ve had to do that on my own. And that is not easy.

I’ve searched my soul. I’ve cried. I’ve laughed. I’ve fallen down again. I’ve read. I’ve written words that scream out to the Universe with questions. I’ve prayed. I’ve begged for answers. I’ve gotten back up. I’ve shouted “Fuck YOU!” at the fear and the hesitation. I’ve stumbled forward only to be pushed back again. I’ve waited. I’ve watched. I’ve given up and then tried again.

I know I am not alone in this. I know you have done this too.

It has taken me this long to realize that if I want the WHOLE THING – I have to take it. It is right there for me, but I have to get past the fear and take the chance. Yes, it might not work, but there’s an equal chance that it will.

I have been afraid to love; afraid that my heart will break again. But now, I have learned that if I don’t take the chance to love 100% that I might not get the chance to have that forever kind of love that I KNOW I deserve! Yes, my heart might get broken, but it might not! I’m willing to take that chance to have that forever love.

I have been afraid to do what I love because it might not be what I “should” do. The “should” being what society thinks is “normal”. But I have learned that if I don’t take the chance to do what I really love; be who I am, I might die never knowing what was possible. Yes, I might make a big mess of everything, but dammit! I might just make it work! I won’t know unless I try!

This is the message I want my son to understand – half way just isn’t good enough. I know it’s scary to go after the WHOLE THING, but it’s so very worth jumping in with both feet and seeing where LIFE takes you. And know that you always, ALWAYS have people in your corner to pick you up and help you try again. It’s never too late to start again. NEVER.

Another song along those lines: The Motions by Matthew West (click to watch in YouTube)

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