Passion

I am a mixture of emotion. Words have been swirling through my mind as you do since the day I heard the news…I am talking to God, talking to myself, thinking of the laughs. Remembering that infectious smile of yours. I feel so guilty for losing track of you the past couple years. For not being there when things weren’t easy. Not being there when it really mattered. For judging and criticizing instead of listening and sharing your load. I cry because I miss you. I didn’t know I did until I couldn’t talk to you anymore. All those hours…we used to call the studio our second home. And that was true. It was home. It was family. The Dance Family.

I cry for your children who were so much your life. I cry for all of our children that you made your own. That’s what you did. I saw them there today. I saw them cry. I know how much you are a part of them. I see it in the way they carry themselves. The way they don’t walk, they glide through life. Each of them has a beauty that I’ll never have. My own daughter’s grace is not from me – it is from those years with you. I am so much the opposite of you. You tried to convince me to dance, but I was afraid. You saw strength and grace in everyone – even clutzy country girls like me. You’d always laugh and say “I’ll convince you one of these days”…

I can’t listen to a song without seeing you twirl and move through my mind. Passion. That is the one word that defines you. It surrounded me every time I was in your presence. Until Rebecca begged me to let her dance, I had no idea what being in your world would mean. So many hours I would sit in the studio or in theaters with my jaw literally on the floor as I would be so absorbed in the grace and beauty of the dancers on the stage. And when you’d dance…all of us would stare in awe as you put your entire soul into every movement, every pose. I was struck by that. To give your every breath, your very heart to something you loved. You taught me about what it means to put your all into something. You taught so many the same lesson. I pray you know how many lives you touched.

Your heart exploded – that’s what they said several times today. Each time they said it, I sobbed. You really did LOVE that much. So much that your poor heart couldn’t take it. It raced so fast, trying to love everyone all the more. You loved those boys that were never far from you. You loved your family – they obviously were so much a part of your life. You loved each one of those girls and boys over so many years of dance. They were not just your students. You loved them, you hugged them, you believed in them, you caught them when they’d fall. You knew each and every one of them. Really knew them. You loved all of us, even when we used to ask so many questions, make so many demands, sometimes get in your way. You tried so hard to love us all. To make us a part of your world.

And now you “dance on the a stage the size of the Universe” – he said that today too. I like that. I like picturing you there. No more tears, no more hurt, no more tired heart. Just dancing for Him. Dancing for love. Dancing for those boys. Dancing for us. You will be dancing through our hearts forever.

And someday, I will be in that audience again, jaw agape, amazed by your beauty, in awe of your grace, seeing you bring life to music that I love so much.

Thank you my friend, thank you for being part of my life. I will see you soon.

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4 thoughts on “Passion

  1. Very touching post, reaches inside me and resonates with those I have left behind or have left me behind. Now is all we are guaranteed, tomorrow is not. Love now and do not wait to let those you love know it. It will be a great day when we are all joined together again!

  2. Hey Shawna,
    This was beautiful, hang in there and cherish the memories that you all have. Remember that everything happens for a reason, as hard as it is on everyone else, there is always a reason. Sending my love and hugs to you and the kids.
    ME

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