I don’t think it’s a coincidence that I was awake at 4 this morning reading this free ebook: Core Lies by Sarah Mae from Like a Warm Cup of Coffee that I just discovered yesterday. It’s no coincidence that the song I heard in my car this morning was this one: Bleed Red – Ronnie Dunn . I couldn’t stop reading. Tears rolled down my cheek as I read. They are in my eyes as I listen to this song over and over. I sniff as I write these words.
It’s no coincidence at all. I’m struggling with letting things go. I know I need to. I know I have to. I know I can’t move forward until I do. The eBook talks about how to let go of feeling “not good enough”. That in God’s eyes, we’re already perfect. Just live as He sees me.
Why is that so hard? I have to let go of all those lies that I’ve told myself over the years. That I’ll never be a good enough Mom, That I’ll never be what I dream to be. That my husband deserves better than me. That I’m no one special. That I’m not good at my job.
Why is it so hard to see other people as He sees them? Why do we want to mold them to what we think they should be? And then we’re disappointed when they aren’t. We don’t even want to try. We just want to give up, because we’re just going to be disappointed anyway.
On and on it goes.
I’m a child of the 70’s. I’ve seen the human race at it’s worst:
- Wars over oil and ideas
- Shuttles Exploding
- Towers Falling
- Starving children while others are obese
- Angry people killing others in His name
- Politicians and CEO’s lying and stealing
- Diseases like AIDS making people afraid of each other
- Rivers, seas and oceans polluted with our mess
I remember sitting up nights with my young friends, planning to solve all the problems of the world. How we were going to make it better; make a difference. Idealists, all of us.
Then, reality hit me. I literally fell into real life and all it’s messes. I tripped and fell off my pedestal. I settled. I compromised. I did what I was supposed to do. Inside, I was the idealist, ranting for a change. Outside, I expected the world to change. To fix my broken parts. I resented it when it didn’t it.
Then, I thought it must be me. I’m the problem. I’m the one that is not good enough to fix what’s broken. I thought I could when I young, but it hurt when I realized I couldn’t.
I cried, I yelled, I resented, I even hated. I struck out at those around me to hide my own failings, my own hurts.
Then the guilt washed over me. I shrunk, I became so small. So lost, so alone. What was wrong with me?
I am learning, so very, VERY slowly. In order for me to grow I must let it all go. Just trust in Him. See through his eyes. See what is possible. See people for who they are; not for what they appear to be or what they appear to believe. That it isn’t my job to change them to what I think they should be. That we are all here. We are all made in His image. We all make mistakes. We all fall down and mess up. We all say and do the wrong thing.
We all bleed red. And so did He. For us. We just need to live, love and laugh. He will take care of the rest.
“With all this going for us, my dear, dear friends, stand your ground. And don’t hold back. Throw yourselves into the work of the Master, confident that nothing you do for him is a waste of time or effort..” 1 Corinthians 15:58