I Can Feel It

I can feel it…

Sometimes it feels like I’m racing towards a cliff and the brakes don’t work…and I kinda don’t want them to.

Sometimes it feels like I’m trudging across a desert; up and down over dunes – no horizon, no end in sight- just the constant heat and unending desert, and I just want to collapse and let the sand take me.

Sometimes it feels like I climb over one obstacle only to have another crash down in front of me, bigger than the last and I clench my jaw and feel the tears come.

Sometimes it feels like I’m drowning in a raging river; my battered, exhausted body slamming over and over again into the rocks and I think about how it would feel to just slip under.


I can feel it…

Sometimes it feels like the open road stretches in front of me; I cannot see my map, but I know it is there and I feel the wind in my hair and the anticipation in my heart.

Sometimes it feels like I can see the summit of the mountain and hear the soaring birds call my name; urging me forward and I feel myself take flight and join them.

Sometimes it feels like I’m walking through the dense forest, but its quiet settles my pounding heart and I press forward toward the light that beckons me.

Sometimes it feels like I’m on a stage with so many faces turned to me; listening, waiting, needing my voice and I am inspired to sing to them.

I can feel it…

The changes

The peace

The gratitude

The faith

The love

The Whole Thing

It felt so GREAT walking to work today – not too cold, but crisp enough to make me feel alive! This song from Carolyn Dawn Johnson came on – The Whole Thing. The video is about a woman wanting a real relationship from her guy instead of basically a booty call.

I listened to this song and thought about a different kind of conversation I had with my oldest last night. I thought about how he is struggling to figure out what he wants from life. I thought about how I have struggled with the same thing. It is difficult to tell him to figure it out when I know how hard it is to do just that.

What I have come to realize with all this struggle is what the song says to me: I want the Whole Thing from LIFE.

It took me until I was 40 years old to figure that out. I don’t want my son to take that long! That’s what I was trying to tell him – grab onto life! Whatever that holds for you, I support you 100%, but don’t just let life pass you by! Before you know it, you’ll be 20 years older and still asking those questions. Like me. I want better for him.

“I don’t want just a corner. I don’t want just a piece…Half way or half up is just not good enough for me – I want the whole thing”…“1 more crumb; that won’t fill me up. 1 more sip; that won’t fill my cup”

So many times we just “dabble” in life. We just “dip one foot in” rather than really jumping in. We aren’t brave enough to lay it on the line. Fear makes us hesitate. Makes us tentative. Whether it’s in love or life, we won’t get 100% out of it if we don’t put 100% in. It’s simple math!

But…it is so scary to take a chance…I know this…I’ve been there. I STILL get scared. Petrified, actually, even to point of not being able to even move. It’s physically knocked me back and crippled me. There’s always been someone in my corner to pick me up again; but not necessarily to make me move forward. For that, I’ve had to do that on my own. And that is not easy.

I’ve searched my soul. I’ve cried. I’ve laughed. I’ve fallen down again. I’ve read. I’ve written words that scream out to the Universe with questions. I’ve prayed. I’ve begged for answers. I’ve gotten back up. I’ve shouted “Fuck YOU!” at the fear and the hesitation. I’ve stumbled forward only to be pushed back again. I’ve waited. I’ve watched. I’ve given up and then tried again.

I know I am not alone in this. I know you have done this too.

It has taken me this long to realize that if I want the WHOLE THING – I have to take it. It is right there for me, but I have to get past the fear and take the chance. Yes, it might not work, but there’s an equal chance that it will.

I have been afraid to love; afraid that my heart will break again. But now, I have learned that if I don’t take the chance to love 100% that I might not get the chance to have that forever kind of love that I KNOW I deserve! Yes, my heart might get broken, but it might not! I’m willing to take that chance to have that forever love.

I have been afraid to do what I love because it might not be what I “should” do. The “should” being what society thinks is “normal”. But I have learned that if I don’t take the chance to do what I really love; be who I am, I might die never knowing what was possible. Yes, I might make a big mess of everything, but dammit! I might just make it work! I won’t know unless I try!

This is the message I want my son to understand – half way just isn’t good enough. I know it’s scary to go after the WHOLE THING, but it’s so very worth jumping in with both feet and seeing where LIFE takes you. And know that you always, ALWAYS have people in your corner to pick you up and help you try again. It’s never too late to start again. NEVER.

Another song along those lines: The Motions by Matthew West (click to watch in YouTube)

No and Yes – Inspired by Ronna

While I was on vacation last week, I still managed to follow along on some of my favorite blog posts thanks to my iPhone! (Thanks sweetie!!) Ronna Detrick posted some thought-provoking lists:

10 Things I’m Saying No To


10 Things I’m Saying Yes To

I decided to make a couple lists of my own, inspired by my friend Ronna!

10 Things I’m Saying “No” To:

  1. Apologizing for who I am, what I do, what I love
  2. Beating myself up or putting myself down
  3. Spending time worrying about what people say about me
  4. Spending time worrying about doing the “wrong” thing
  5. Spending time worrying about upsetting people
  6. Spending time WORRYING!
  7. People/Places/Things/Anything that brings me down
  8. Making excuses (same as Ronna!)
  9. Hiding behind life’s little bumps in the road
  10. Being less than who I am

10 Things I’m Saying “Yes” To

  1. Being in the moment with those around me
  2. Being true to the “40 and Fabulous Woman” that I am!
  3. Shouting from the rooftops – “over-use ‘I Love You'” – those 3 little words that mean so much
  4. Making time for my passions without the guilt
  5. Helping whoever I can, whenever I can, in whatever way is needed
  6. Sharing about Faith and Love even when it’s not the “cool” thing to do
  7. Working and doing what it takes to grow old with the love of my life
  8. Creating a business that I love with my best friend and making a difference with it!
  9. Hope in all its forms
  10. Sharing my gifts, my passions with the world

What are you saying “No” to?

What are you saying “Yes” to?

I think I’ve shared this song before, but it fits here too:

Dress Rehearsal – Carolyn Dawn Johnson

Don’t wait…


Mental. Physical. Resistance.

This blog post floated around in my head as Lori and I were fighting the wind on our 76 KM ride on Sunday.

Physically, resistance is tough. Our ride is not easy when it is against the wind. I am tired, I am sick of the wind, I get dust in my eyes and my teeth, my quads are questioning my sanity. I feel like calling someone to come and PICK ME UP so I don’t have to go any further. My workouts take time and energy. Time away from my family and other pursuits. I question that. I resist that.

But, I persist. I push through. I peddle and peddle and gradually the miles disappear. I keep going. I know that, yes, I just went 76 kms on my bike. I will go more than 200 kms ON MY BIKE. That is not a small task and there are going to be times where I will want to quit. Where I will want to hop into that van and drive to camp. But, in the end, I know what I will gain from persisting. I know who I am and what I’ve accomplished. It will be so worth it.

I was thinking about this in regards to our business too. Krystal and I came up against some critical resistance. These were the voices in our heads that said – “this is crazy” or “they don’t get it” or “why is no one talking” or “why are we doing this, there’s so much work to do”. Who are these voices? Who are they that resist us doing something “out there” or something new?

These voices are our fears, our doubts, our “common sense” that question us going out on a limb. They are the voices we grew up with, telling us to make money the “regular” way and look after our everyone else before we look after ourselves. The voices of the martyrs before us.

I am tired of listening to those voices. I’m tired of the doubts. I’m tired of complaining about it instead of changing it. I’m tired of the resistance to following my heart. They can push back and tell me I’m crazy or that it’s not good enough or that it’s not what I should be doing.

But in the end, I will change anyway. I will be TRUE to ME if I persist past those doubts, past the wind and the rain, just keep peddling and peddling and suddenly the sun will be shining on my face and the wind will be at my back and I will FLY.

The Borg in Star Trek say, “Resistance is Futile”. Yep, it is.

I Don’t Want to Go Through the Motions

I just discovered this song yesterday and it keeps going around and around in my head:

Matthew West – The Motions

This song is everything that I am trying to do. 2010 is my year. The year that I take chances. The year that I chase my dreams. The year that I put my heart out there for everyone to see. The year that I learn who I am and what my place in life is. The year that I become someone I admire instead of someone I despise.

This line:  “I don’t want to spend my whole life asking “What if I had given everything-instead of going through the motions.” hits me so hard.

I realized how many years I have just gone through the motions. I did not give my everything to my family and friends. I have spent so much time being afraid. I was too afraid to put my whole heart into loving them. Afraid that they would discover who I really am and leave me. I did not have faith in myself or faith in God to take care of us. That even He would not accept me. I was afraid to be alone.

I have spent years doing what everyone expects of me. Afraid to let people down, yet still letting them down because my heart wasn’t in what I was doing. Not realizing that all they’ve ever wanted for me is to be happy. I let them down because I wasn’t happy. Going through the motions of doing a job instead of doing what I love. Setting my dreams aside to be “realistic”.

It has not been easy and I trip and fall a lot while I try to give everything. I have days where I just want to give up – it’s so much easier to go through the motions. But I don’t want that anymore. I want to feel “real” and alive, even if it hurts.

”Cause just OK is not enough”