The Transformation Arrow

April 23, 2012…My transformation arrow has taken me two weeks to face! I can blame it on the snow – sure – I can’t find a stick in the snow. I can blame it on being busy – sure – there’s always something else to do.

Really? Really?

My visions of Kali at first freed me – I felt courageous and ready…but then the doubt and resentment and fear and unworthiness set in.

Who am I trying to kid?

  • a goddess?
  • an artist?
  • a writer?
  • a creative soul?

NEVER!

There would always be an excuse, a road block that can never be moved…

…Friday night, I left the house. Full of disappointment, resentment, anger…and after such a crappy attitude week. Every day, I intended to be better. Every day, the disappointment set in…

There were so many sticks thrust in my path that night. I couldn’t believe how many. There in the middle of sidewalks, along the sides of the road, in the grass. All beckoning, all ignored as I fumed forward and the temperature in the air and in my heart dropped.

Suddenly, there it was, a spindly spruce branch. Naked of needles, far from the tree. My favorite tree-type; the scent always reminding me of happy childhood days around a campfire.

I walked with it swinging in my hand. My anger turned to regret and sadness. My heart just felt sick and alone; empty as the barren stick in my hand. I set it on my front step; not feeling ready just yet. There, it waited while I spent the weekend soul-searching and reconnecting.

When I went to find the stick, it was gone. It called to me from the garbage bin where he’d thrown it. The bin had just been collected, so there it lay alone at the bottom. It seemed to say, “Ready?”…and so it began…

Transformation Arrow

Strips of paper from a sheet where I’d written words as they flowed in different colored pens. I thought of all the times I worry that my story is not good enough to be told. I wrapped the words around the stick. The colors of them releasing my fears of sharing them with the world. Fabric strips of autumn colors; a season I love and hate at the same time. A season reminding me of my own confusing ups and downs. At one time beauty and warmth, and all at once cold, dead and the end. Fabric strips of precision and accuracy so unattainable in real life…

Purple and blue antique threads. Memories of the past, and the mistakes I’ve made. My past is not who I am, but it made me what I am today. A single safety pin: letting go of so-called security because there is no such thing…not if you really want to bleed and feel and love and live…

And now, as I watch, it burns….releasing all of this. The fears, the anxieties, the unworthiness. Letting it go…It is none of my business. I am not meant to know the destination. I am only meant to learn and love the journey…

Transformation

You’re a Perishable Item

“You’re a perishable item. Live accordingly.”

Ashley from The Middle Finger Project posted this on FB today, and it really resonated with me….actually, it was weird all the emails and posts I saw/read this morning that we’re about living life. Well, I guess not really that weird since that’s what I subscribe to…still…. 🙂

This morning, I woke up with my sweetie at 5:00 a.m. so that we could sign up for the Melissa’s Road Race. A 10K run in the mountains that I love. It will not be an easy run. I barely run 10 K on a straight road. It is a goal and I will train hard. The bonus is running with some of my girlfriends and running with my hubby (well, he’ll be far ahead, but he’ll still share the experience with me!)

If you would have tried to tell me that I would be running a mountain 10K this fall a few years back, I would have laughed in your face. I have never been a runner. I am a mediocre athlete at best. But…I am an athlete now. I may not be a winning athlete, but that’s not why I do it.

I do it to feel my heart pound and the wind in my face. I ride my bike to feel the freedom of the road. I lift weights to see my body change in shape. I do crazy Nike workouts because I am able to move. I do all of these things because I am alive. Because I am alive and well. And that makes me very blessed and very thankful.

I have come to believe that it is my God-given right and privilege to experience life. As Ashley put it today…I am perishable, so I’d better get off my ass and freaking LIVE like I am. I’ve wasted waaaayyyy too many days moaning and groaning. I likely will again…but something (or someone) will kick my ass and I will be up and moving again.

For today, I am living, I am listening to my heart, I am alive!

The song that keeps playing in my head while I write this…

 

I Can Feel It

I can feel it…

Sometimes it feels like I’m racing towards a cliff and the brakes don’t work…and I kinda don’t want them to.

Sometimes it feels like I’m trudging across a desert; up and down over dunes – no horizon, no end in sight- just the constant heat and unending desert, and I just want to collapse and let the sand take me.

Sometimes it feels like I climb over one obstacle only to have another crash down in front of me, bigger than the last and I clench my jaw and feel the tears come.

Sometimes it feels like I’m drowning in a raging river; my battered, exhausted body slamming over and over again into the rocks and I think about how it would feel to just slip under.

But….

I can feel it…

Sometimes it feels like the open road stretches in front of me; I cannot see my map, but I know it is there and I feel the wind in my hair and the anticipation in my heart.

Sometimes it feels like I can see the summit of the mountain and hear the soaring birds call my name; urging me forward and I feel myself take flight and join them.

Sometimes it feels like I’m walking through the dense forest, but its quiet settles my pounding heart and I press forward toward the light that beckons me.

Sometimes it feels like I’m on a stage with so many faces turned to me; listening, waiting, needing my voice and I am inspired to sing to them.

I can feel it…

The changes

The peace

The gratitude

The faith

The love

Bubble Gum

You’re never too old for bubble gum, I figure. Nor are you ever to old to talk like Yoda. Talking like him, I am…

Thunder rolls outside
The dog that annoyed me, even this morning
Curls at my feet, trembling
Seeking shelter with his people
It warms my heart, feeling him soft against my foot
I’d run around barefoot all day if I could
I love the feel of the world on my feet
Bubble gum snapping in my mouth
Can you teach me how Mom?
How old were you when you learned?
Did it take you a long time?
Questions and a few tears of frustration
Her brother and I try to demonstrate
Pull gum out of our mouths and put it back (eeewww!)
But I am 10 again, rolling along in the big yellow bus
I don’t know (or care) much about germs
I just want to win the Biggest Bubble game
It sticks to my chin and even my nose
I dab at it with the rest of the wad
Pop it all in my mouth again for another try
Helpful cousins and siblings jab at the bubble
With a finger (do you know where that’s been?)
Sprawled there with them, I am back there
Patiently, I demo again and again
Showing off my expertise here and there in the lesson
She gets a mirror, and it becomes easier
We’re sprawled on the couch, chewing
The dishes are piled by the sink, dirty & clean
Laundry sits wrinkled and unfolded
The computer’s hum beckons me to my to do list
Email dings on my iPhone, taunting me
There! Twin tiny bubbles! Finally, success!
We three beam with joy at our shared talent
And another everyday AWESOME fills my heart
You know what? I am worthy. I am good. I AM.

I’m a Weirdo (and other things…)

I was inspired by this awesome, fun list from Mommy Pants today, so I thought I would write my own!

  1. I, too (along with Cheryl) can lift both my big toes when my feet are flat. In fact, I gross my family out by being able to spread them all out completely and walk around like that. Which I do often, just to gross them out!!!
  2. I can also pick stuff up and open doors with my feet. Very handy when my hands are full and the reason I go barefoot all the time!
  3. It totally grosses ME out to feed the dogs. The smell of their dog food makes me retch. I avoid it at all costs, including bribing my children to do it!
  4. I sing in my car and sometimes forget when the windows are down…..
  5. I love to play my kid’s Webkinz accounts – especially Smoothie Moves. If you know what that is, you are weird too!
  6. I tell my kids stories about when I was a teenager and loved 4H, especially showing my cattle where I got to wash, dry and comb their hair; including putting their tails into a nice little ball at the end….they looked better than me…(see number 9)
  7. I despise cupboard or closet doors being open! I will even close them in other people’s houses. Sorry!
  8. I really cannot tell a joke. Or a funny story. I try and try and fail abysmally every time. Again, sorry! I won’t stop trying though!
  9. Makeup and doing hair absolutely sucks. If I could get away with a ball cap every day, I would. Mom hates this about me…. 🙂
  10. Mustard and cheese slices = ultimate snack when no one is looking. Also ketchup on KD and my grilled cheese sandwiches.
  11. I refuse to touch our Bearded Dragons no matter how many times the kids try to make me. Which, conveniently, eliminates me from the possible people that have to clean their terrarium! Point for me!
  12. I say weird things like ”wicked” and ”awesome” and ”Point for me” and wonder why people know I’m from the 80s
  13. I am the only one in my huge family that over-shares! LOL!

Some days are good, some are bad, but as long as we keep laughing, loving and learning, it will all be ok.

Bring on the Rain:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xWYRfsjBNQk