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Posts Tagged ‘Thoughts’

April 23, 2012…My transformation arrow has taken me two weeks to face! I can blame it on the snow – sure – I can’t find a stick in the snow. I can blame it on being busy – sure – there’s always something else to do.

Really? Really?

My visions of Kali at first freed me – I felt courageous and ready…but then the doubt and resentment and fear and unworthiness set in.

Who am I trying to kid?

  • a goddess?
  • an artist?
  • a writer?
  • a creative soul?

NEVER!

There would always be an excuse, a road block that can never be moved…

…Friday night, I left the house. Full of disappointment, resentment, anger…and after such a crappy attitude week. Every day, I intended to be better. Every day, the disappointment set in…

There were so many sticks thrust in my path that night. I couldn’t believe how many. There in the middle of sidewalks, along the sides of the road, in the grass. All beckoning, all ignored as I fumed forward and the temperature in the air and in my heart dropped.

Suddenly, there it was, a spindly spruce branch. Naked of needles, far from the tree. My favorite tree-type; the scent always reminding me of happy childhood days around a campfire.

I walked with it swinging in my hand. My anger turned to regret and sadness. My heart just felt sick and alone; empty as the barren stick in my hand. I set it on my front step; not feeling ready just yet. There, it waited while I spent the weekend soul-searching and reconnecting.

When I went to find the stick, it was gone. It called to me from the garbage bin where he’d thrown it. The bin had just been collected, so there it lay alone at the bottom. It seemed to say, “Ready?”…and so it began…

Transformation Arrow

Strips of paper from a sheet where I’d written words as they flowed in different colored pens. I thought of all the times I worry that my story is not good enough to be told. I wrapped the words around the stick. The colors of them releasing my fears of sharing them with the world. Fabric strips of autumn colors; a season I love and hate at the same time. A season reminding me of my own confusing ups and downs. At one time beauty and warmth, and all at once cold, dead and the end. Fabric strips of precision and accuracy so unattainable in real life…

Purple and blue antique threads. Memories of the past, and the mistakes I’ve made. My past is not who I am, but it made me what I am today. A single safety pin: letting go of so-called security because there is no such thing…not if you really want to bleed and feel and love and live…

And now, as I watch, it burns….releasing all of this. The fears, the anxieties, the unworthiness. Letting it go…It is none of my business. I am not meant to know the destination. I am only meant to learn and love the journey…

Transformation

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I’m sipping homemade ginger tea this morning…so yummy! and thinking about the past couple days…

Friday (Day 31) was the usual Friday coffee party issue…However, it was my departments turn, so I brought fresh veggies and dip that I’d made. The big change that occurred on Friday was the Hungry for Change movie…my husband and kids watched it during the day and I watched it in the evening. To say it changed our thinking is an understatement…It inspired us to change our eating habits for good, not just Lent…I write more about how I spent my Saturday morning on our Simple Spring Cleanse blog: Letting Go of Poor Eating Habits

Friday Menu:

Breakfast: smoothie

a.m. snack: veggies and dip I’d made

Lunch: crackers and the last of the guacamole

p.m. snack: canteloupe

Supper: BLT sandwich on one of those triangle whole grain buns

Dessert: a refined sugar free cookie that one of our friends made to share at movie night

Saturday (Day 32) We were happily surprised with a visit yesterday afternoon from my parents. We talked a lot about food actually, which was cool. We were so lucky growing up to have fresh food from the garden, milk straight from the cow, eggs from our chickens and pork and beef that we’d raised ourselves. I will strive to give my kids as close to this as I can.

My parents eat very traditional foods; but they are learning to branch out and enjoy others. For dinner yesterday I shared our quinoa salad recipe with them. I’m pretty sure my Dad had three helpings of it… 🙂 and Mom had a couple as well. The kids were excited to share this very cool and very good for you food with their grand-parents. It was a really great visit. I’m also only drinking 1 latte per day these past few days…

Saturday Menu:

Breakfast: smoothie

a.m. snack: missed this

Lunch: we juiced some of our yummy fruit

p.m. snack: snacking on veggies!

Supper: turkey breast, spinach strawberry salad with homemade raspberry vinaigrette and Greek quinoa salad with feta and lemon balsamic dressing that we’d made

Dessert: coconut chocolate pudding that I was showing mom how I make and I did sneak in have a hot cross bun that mom had brought! 😛

I made some lime zest water and drank a lot of that yesterday too! Stay tuned for the post for today: Day 33!

Our yummy, colorful grocery shopping trip – this was what we brought home:

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Life is Beautiful

It is the first day of Spring 2012, here in Olds, Alberta.

I rushed along, stuck behind someone who thought the speed limit through town is 20KPH, late and no parking spot and so many things demanding my time. I felt the cold on my hands where my forgotten gloves should have been. My body aches from yesterday’s tough workout and my sluggish brain complains of the lack of caffeine that my sleeping in resulted in from only one latte today…

There are many things to grumble about, there are many changes to be afraid of, there are many things that don’t go the way I’d planned. And yet…I have it all:

1. My beautiful family who give me reason to press on

2. A warm bed and loving husband in a house in a quiet neighbourhood where my family is safe

3. Parents who allowed me to spread my wings and fly wherever my heart takes me

4. Friends who love me the way I am, who are always there when I fall

5. A job that lets me do what I do best: help people, every day

6. My body that is strong and able to feel the cold and the sore muscles because I am alive and well

7. Dreams that may seem crazy to some but I believe in them anyway

8. A hope and faith that there are so many more special moments and days ahead of me
I read an email early today that said: “Spread love everywhere you go: First of all in your own house … kindness in your face, kindness in your eyes, kindness in your smile, kindness.” ~ Mother Teresa and then I saw this video:

All of these thoughts came flowing out of my heart and I had to write. I had to share. Regardless of the consequences. I just had to share in whatever way I can.

Life IS beautiful…We have it all

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Winding down for the night…gotta go and pick up my sweetheart from work in a couple minutes…

Today, we said goodbye to my faithful old car. We dropped her off at the auto-wreckers. We had a lot of travels together! I also had a wonderful evening with my “Be the Change Circle” ladies. So inspired, so connected!

I was up at 5:15 this morning (no alarm clock) so my body has finally figured out the time change. I had a great yoga session and spent some time focusing this morning. The day zoomed by; split up by a tired 3K run at noon (I’d forgotten my snack, so I was a little sluggish)

I thought of my Gramma today as Johnny Reid popped into my head with “Today I’m Gonna Try and Change the World”. I sure do miss being able to fix her computer and have a coffee with her. I miss inviting her over for lasagna (one of her faves). I know she’s there, cheering me on, reading my words like she always did…

A good day to end with a quiet meditation, prayer and blessed sleep next to my true love.

Menu:

Breakfast: homemade oatmeal

Lunch: (missed my snack) 1/2 gypsy salami sandwich on whole grain

p.m. Snack: two friends gave me delicious home made, refined sugar free energy bits/bars that they each had made! YUMMERS! Thanks K and L! You guys saved me today!

Supper: Lucas really wanted tacos – it was his turn again, so that’s what we had.

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It’s weigh day again today and I’m so very excited to share the news with you…

Day 1  – 176 lbs

Day 8 – 172 lbs

Day 15 – 172 lbs

Day 22 – 168 lbs

I have lost 8 lbs in 3 weeks! I’m really excited about that! I had not anticipated that at all. 3 more weeks to go, so we’ll see what happens! I’ve been exercising back to my regular daily routine that I had before the Celebrate Life Summit, so that makes me feel better in general too!

Today’s Menu:

Breakfast: left over homemade oatmeal & blueberries

a.m. snack: Greek yogurt & blueberries

Lunch: 1/2 whole wheat pita pocket with a little cheese, chicken breast, lettuce & Frank’s Red Hot sauce

p.m. snack: a banana

Supper: 1/2 sausage & homemade stuffed potato (little cheese & cream cheese in the mashed potato) with Caesar salad

 
I love this song: Beautiful People – Chris Brown. It’s a great reminder that we are ALL beautiful, no matter what our shape and size. I’m excited about losing weight, but I refuse to obsess about it. I love my body and all it can do! Being able to lift the weights I lift, holding “the plank” for as long as I can and run as far as I can means more to me than any number on the scale. It’s being ALIVE!

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The Hug

I bury my face in that soft, warm place between neck and shoulders.

I breathe him in.

Strong arms envelope me.

The world disappears.

A whisper only I can hear.

Takes me back to the first one so long ago.

I will miss you.

I will be here when you return.

Arms wide open.

Number 4,367,221 and counting!

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Moments to remember:

  • Waking up so early that it feels like I’m the only person left in the world; feeling so close to myself that I can hear the beating of my own heart
  • Meeting new people who’s lives have been touched by a terrible disease. People that are so compelled to do something about it that they got up early to be part of the Ride to Conquer Cancer. People that share stories with strangers about someone they love (or even their own) and their battle with cancer.
  • Tears streaming down faces and no one caring who sees them. In remembrance, in anger, in joy, in determination to make a difference
  • Seeing the joy on faces as they make it to camp after that first day; tears and dusty smiles as they practically collapse off their bikes. Being a part of their moment; lending a hand where I can
  • Tasting a cold beer after a long dusty day, laughing and talking like old friends with people I barely know yet are now kindred spirits
  • Feeling a soft bed, even there in a tent on the ground, feels so good after such a day
  • Standing in the mud and rain, ignoring the cold in my hands as I clap them and cheer each and every rider, encouraging them by name to go out there and push through. Strangers become instant friends in the united fight
  • My ball cap dripping rain off the brim, steam rising from the top of my head as I try to dry off a little; feeling guilty because I know they are out there riding in this.
  • I think of those that fight the battle. I hear the reasons why people are here at the Ride to Conquer Cancer. I cry with them, I laugh with them. I am surprised again how much we are all the same.
  • Seeing my dear friend at the finish line, knowing how much her body must hurt, how she climbed those hills pushing through that driving rain. I know how hard it must have been and I know how determined she is. Every ribbon and every name on her shirt a reason for her to refuse to get off that bike.
  • Being so humbled to know amazing people like her. People that have their own battles to fight, yet still they find the strength to do something.
  • I wonder about all the times that I’ve whined and complained. Times when I did not take action. It makes me understand that the only way things (especially ME) can change is by doing something. ANYTHING. Something.
  • Then, when I came home and heard the words, “I missed you so much Mom” and the lump was there again in my throat as I realized that I don’t want them to ever have to hear the awful words “You have cancer” – that’s why I do these things. That’s why everyone was there. For their children and their children’s children
  • And I curl up with that long-legged tween and tousle that goofy boy’s hair; praying that these moments never end. Praying that I will have the strength to DO something. ANYTHING. Each and every day

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