The Transformation Arrow

April 23, 2012…My transformation arrow has taken me two weeks to face! I can blame it on the snow – sure – I can’t find a stick in the snow. I can blame it on being busy – sure – there’s always something else to do.

Really? Really?

My visions of Kali at first freed me – I felt courageous and ready…but then the doubt and resentment and fear and unworthiness set in.

Who am I trying to kid?

  • a goddess?
  • an artist?
  • a writer?
  • a creative soul?


There would always be an excuse, a road block that can never be moved…

…Friday night, I left the house. Full of disappointment, resentment, anger…and after such a crappy attitude week. Every day, I intended to be better. Every day, the disappointment set in…

There were so many sticks thrust in my path that night. I couldn’t believe how many. There in the middle of sidewalks, along the sides of the road, in the grass. All beckoning, all ignored as I fumed forward and the temperature in the air and in my heart dropped.

Suddenly, there it was, a spindly spruce branch. Naked of needles, far from the tree. My favorite tree-type; the scent always reminding me of happy childhood days around a campfire.

I walked with it swinging in my hand. My anger turned to regret and sadness. My heart just felt sick and alone; empty as the barren stick in my hand. I set it on my front step; not feeling ready just yet. There, it waited while I spent the weekend soul-searching and reconnecting.

When I went to find the stick, it was gone. It called to me from the garbage bin where he’d thrown it. The bin had just been collected, so there it lay alone at the bottom. It seemed to say, “Ready?”…and so it began…

Transformation Arrow

Strips of paper from a sheet where I’d written words as they flowed in different colored pens. I thought of all the times I worry that my story is not good enough to be told. I wrapped the words around the stick. The colors of them releasing my fears of sharing them with the world. Fabric strips of autumn colors; a season I love and hate at the same time. A season reminding me of my own confusing ups and downs. At one time beauty and warmth, and all at once cold, dead and the end. Fabric strips of precision and accuracy so unattainable in real life…

Purple and blue antique threads. Memories of the past, and the mistakes I’ve made. My past is not who I am, but it made me what I am today. A single safety pin: letting go of so-called security because there is no such thing…not if you really want to bleed and feel and love and live…

And now, as I watch, it burns….releasing all of this. The fears, the anxieties, the unworthiness. Letting it go…It is none of my business. I am not meant to know the destination. I am only meant to learn and love the journey…



Lent Day 23

Winding down for the night…gotta go and pick up my sweetheart from work in a couple minutes…

Today, we said goodbye to my faithful old car. We dropped her off at the auto-wreckers. We had a lot of travels together! I also had a wonderful evening with my “Be the Change Circle” ladies. So inspired, so connected!

I was up at 5:15 this morning (no alarm clock) so my body has finally figured out the time change. I had a great yoga session and spent some time focusing this morning. The day zoomed by; split up by a tired 3K run at noon (I’d forgotten my snack, so I was a little sluggish)

I thought of my Gramma today as Johnny Reid popped into my head with “Today I’m Gonna Try and Change the World”. I sure do miss being able to fix her computer and have a coffee with her. I miss inviting her over for lasagna (one of her faves). I know she’s there, cheering me on, reading my words like she always did…

A good day to end with a quiet meditation, prayer and blessed sleep next to my true love.


Breakfast: homemade oatmeal

Lunch: (missed my snack) 1/2 gypsy salami sandwich on whole grain

p.m. Snack: two friends gave me delicious home made, refined sugar free energy bits/bars that they each had made! YUMMERS! Thanks K and L! You guys saved me today!

Supper: Lucas really wanted tacos – it was his turn again, so that’s what we had.

Bubble Gum

You’re never too old for bubble gum, I figure. Nor are you ever to old to talk like Yoda. Talking like him, I am…

Thunder rolls outside
The dog that annoyed me, even this morning
Curls at my feet, trembling
Seeking shelter with his people
It warms my heart, feeling him soft against my foot
I’d run around barefoot all day if I could
I love the feel of the world on my feet
Bubble gum snapping in my mouth
Can you teach me how Mom?
How old were you when you learned?
Did it take you a long time?
Questions and a few tears of frustration
Her brother and I try to demonstrate
Pull gum out of our mouths and put it back (eeewww!)
But I am 10 again, rolling along in the big yellow bus
I don’t know (or care) much about germs
I just want to win the Biggest Bubble game
It sticks to my chin and even my nose
I dab at it with the rest of the wad
Pop it all in my mouth again for another try
Helpful cousins and siblings jab at the bubble
With a finger (do you know where that’s been?)
Sprawled there with them, I am back there
Patiently, I demo again and again
Showing off my expertise here and there in the lesson
She gets a mirror, and it becomes easier
We’re sprawled on the couch, chewing
The dishes are piled by the sink, dirty & clean
Laundry sits wrinkled and unfolded
The computer’s hum beckons me to my to do list
Email dings on my iPhone, taunting me
There! Twin tiny bubbles! Finally, success!
We three beam with joy at our shared talent
And another everyday AWESOME fills my heart
You know what? I am worthy. I am good. I AM.

Michigan Moving

Michigan Moving…

  • Mobility – is difficult; one shaky step at a time, so slowly
  • Mind Made Up – unstoppable; he was there when I started & there when I left
  • Michigan – Go Blue on that hat and shirt
  • Momentum – one unsteady step at at time, hand on rail; other on his cane – it moves him forward
  • Minimal – unacceptable compared to what he does
  • Miles per hour – insignificant numbers I worry about; I remember it’s the journey, not the destination
  • Miracle – what he does; around and around that track
  • More – if he can do that, I can give more of myself
  • Moves Me – to press forward, to remember I am blessed to do what I do
  • Martina – can always sing it better than I write it

Home Again

I’m back home after a few days away. It’s good to be back.

  • I’m raising my kids 30 minutes away from where I was raised; in the small town that I was born in
  • I remember camping trips and raspberries and milk from a cow
  • My kids can walk to their friends’ house and it takes me 15 minutes to ride my bike to work
  • The movie theatre in town still has “love-seat” chairs and you don’t have to take out a loan to buy popcorn
  • Girls like me drink beer on a Friday night and love to play baseball
  • I live in a country where we don’t have to be afraid to vote (though they happen too often…that’s another story)
  • I talk about God, family, mistakes and love in my writing and it makes me feel better
  • We have snow and more snow, but we can still have fun and lots of babies in the fall 😉
  • My kids are healthy, safe and warm and I am blessed
  • My husband loves me and misses me when I’m gone
Life is good and I’m home again.

I heard this song twice on the drive – a new song – and a song that makes me think of summer and small towns and me:


I’m a Weirdo (and other things…)

I was inspired by this awesome, fun list from Mommy Pants today, so I thought I would write my own!

  1. I, too (along with Cheryl) can lift both my big toes when my feet are flat. In fact, I gross my family out by being able to spread them all out completely and walk around like that. Which I do often, just to gross them out!!!
  2. I can also pick stuff up and open doors with my feet. Very handy when my hands are full and the reason I go barefoot all the time!
  3. It totally grosses ME out to feed the dogs. The smell of their dog food makes me retch. I avoid it at all costs, including bribing my children to do it!
  4. I sing in my car and sometimes forget when the windows are down…..
  5. I love to play my kid’s Webkinz accounts – especially Smoothie Moves. If you know what that is, you are weird too!
  6. I tell my kids stories about when I was a teenager and loved 4H, especially showing my cattle where I got to wash, dry and comb their hair; including putting their tails into a nice little ball at the end….they looked better than me…(see number 9)
  7. I despise cupboard or closet doors being open! I will even close them in other people’s houses. Sorry!
  8. I really cannot tell a joke. Or a funny story. I try and try and fail abysmally every time. Again, sorry! I won’t stop trying though!
  9. Makeup and doing hair absolutely sucks. If I could get away with a ball cap every day, I would. Mom hates this about me…. 🙂
  10. Mustard and cheese slices = ultimate snack when no one is looking. Also ketchup on KD and my grilled cheese sandwiches.
  11. I refuse to touch our Bearded Dragons no matter how many times the kids try to make me. Which, conveniently, eliminates me from the possible people that have to clean their terrarium! Point for me!
  12. I say weird things like ”wicked” and ”awesome” and ”Point for me” and wonder why people know I’m from the 80s
  13. I am the only one in my huge family that over-shares! LOL!

Some days are good, some are bad, but as long as we keep laughing, loving and learning, it will all be ok.

Bring on the Rain:

Ask and Ye Shall Receive

Sometimes I wonder at my dense, thick skull! I thought of the movie/book Eat, Pray, Love where Liz talks to God on her bathroom floor and receives an answer almost immediately. And where Richard from Texas says to her that if she’d just clear the stuff out of her mind; the Universe would just RUSH into all that space. Her capacity to love the whole world would just take over. How I’ve read and heard that message so many times from so many places; yet it still is so easy to forget. To just ASK for help! and then let go, move forward and see what happens.

It wasn’t 5 minutes after I finished whining in my post yesterday that I began receiving answers. A facebook shared story from a friend about a very young mother who died just one week after her baby was born and got to hold her before she died had me shaken at my desk. How small all those questions about my job became in an instant. How my worries about getting things organized for when I’m not there seemed so ridiculous. I might not be there tomorrow! What difference would it make? I am completely replaceable, just another employee. They would not miss me. My legacy is not there.

It is in the timely text from the husband who had no idea about the state I was in when he sent a spontaneous text just to say “I love you”.

It is in the friends and family that came to my office, called, texted, emailed, commented, posted and sat at my kitchen table reminding me how very blessed I am to be surrounded by people that love me. All advised me, all cared, all are there, I just have to ask.

It is in the ache in my calf muscles after a fun, giggly evening of trying something new – learning to dance with my husband.

It is in hanging out with friends, sharing laughs and a beverage or two at my kitchen table like so many times before, yet still the best place to be.

It is falling asleep in my lover’s arms, safe and warm while the wind blows outside and a snow storm threatens.

It is in the early Saturday morning coffee surrounded by my children quietly drawing and reading and watching Discovery Channel.

I asked. I received. I am so very thankful.